I've been a bit scattered lately - thoughts zipping around in my skull like angry hornets trying to escape. Along with these brain-hornets - a mid-level buzz of anxiety. It shows up as a slight pressure in my chest, rounded shoulders, quiet voice. This is not the first time I've been here - this part of me emerges when I feel at odds with the world around me.

I've spent a significant amount of time working to understand and dismantle this pattern within myself. One of the best things I've learned in therapy is somatic noticing (also known as somatic experiencing). An oversimplified explanation is: the body and mind are intimately connected. Feeling things in our bodies provides us with a roadmap towards the thoughts and stories in our mind that contribute to our suffering. The heavy chest and tense shoulders are an alert to me that something I'm holding onto must be released.

The duality of this work often leaves me exhausted. I feel a deep compassion for this part of me that's worked so hard to aid in my survival. This part of me learned that if I stayed small and unnoticeable, other's wouldn't feel their big feelings which may avoid painful conflict with others. Sigh. On the other hand, I know that staying small and denying myself the space to exist ensures painful conflict - with myself. I'm simply no longer willing to reject my own needs or set aside my values for the comfort of others.

For the past week or so, my journal entries have focused on the impact of this thought and action pattern under fascism. An aside - I keep seeing commentary about the impending fascist state of the US - in my book, if it's looming, it's already been here for a while. Honestly, it's been pretty heavy. I'm noticing a fair amount of anger, fear, and grief surface as I write, but also moments of fiery motivation. I know I must attend to these things to stay healthy, grounded, and able during these dark political times. I can no longer stay small in the face of anger. I am not willing to be complicit in the face of fascism.

Silence in the face of injustice is complicity with the oppressor.

— Ginetta Sagan

The basis of fascism is the denial of individual. We're seeing this happen with the oppression of trans and queer people, those who have migrated to the US, the denial of autonomy for anyone not a white cis male, art being replaced with AI slop, small family farms being replaced with industrialized operations, infrastructure upholding automotive supremacy, workers rights being suppressed... I could go on. Fascism relies on misogynistic patriarchal normativity. In other words, fascism relies on me being small, unnoticed, and silent... complicit.

So, I'm focusing on healing. I'm focusing on relentlessly taking care of myself, speaking up, showing up, healing. This is where some heaviness starts to creep in. How can I focus on myself when the world is burning around me? In all my studies about fascism, I'm learning that there is simply no other option than to heal. One way I am doing this is a weekly Nonviolent Communication study group with friends. Another is sharing about my dreams of being a farmer.

I also find a lot of inspiration and guidance from the Jewish-American Anarchists in North America from the late 1800's to 1940's. I'm inspired by their focus on mutual aid, rituals of grief and joy, and community interdependence as forms of resisting oppression. I also highly encourage you to read the book linked above, or at the very least this zine: 20 Ways to Counter Fascism (and also maybe print some out to distribute!)

I'll leave you with this: I know the power of oppressors feels impossible to fight, but we must. We won't be able to do it alone or quietly. In moments you feel overwhelmed by the state of the world, try something small. Take care of yourself by noticing what isn't serving you anymore and take steps to heal. Take care of those around you. Respect yourself, your values, your needs.